Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Special Holiday Suggestion from Info

Here is a special column from reader Info, a reformer formerly known as Infotainme who has a penchant for rapier wit. Skullduggerers will feel the sting of his vorpal pen if they actually have the intellectual acumen to know when they are being insulted. Of course this is all in jest and is actually one of Info's more lighthearted pieces. Usually in humor I find the real truth can come out. Info's piece is no exception. Enjoy this spirited holiday read!!.......

A Special Holiday Suggestion from Info

Late November. The cool evening air carries traces of wood smoke, the acrid nip of roasted chestnuts, and the last spicy whiffs of bar-b-qued witch. A necessary pause overtakes the on-rushing calendar. For a few hours on Thursday we allow our attention to turn from day to day concerns and the endless to-do list of the season to a more wistful view of life….

Laney Loo Hoo - Based on the character Cyndy Loo Hoo from the "Grinch who Stole Christmas"

We even set our differences aside. Yes, even Larry Sharpton, or rather Stempler. Wait, what did I say? Sharpton? Honest mistake - I meant Stempler. Even the Reverend Al Stempler puts down his pitchfork and takes up a carving knife to serve the roast beast to a ravenous Laney Loo Who, who, just this once, lets someone else do the vivisecting….

We have it pretty good after all. Sure, we’re surrounded by malcontents, career criminals, predatory developers, diner dirt, character assassins, all manner of professional liars, and one good storm away from losing half the water front. But not bad on the whole….

In fact we count our blessings. It may not take as long to count them as in years past, but still we know fortune has smiled upon us. And we spare a thought to those who don’t have it as good and maybe dig into our pockets to try to level the playing field a bit.

But once again a cloud seems to have settled on our solitary thoughts of human kindness, transforming the Currier and Ives dreamscape into yet another Courier with Bribes nightmare. Once more our fair city is the subject of a criminal probe into election fraud and the unwanted attention that comes with it. And at just the moment when we should feel the warming grace of fraternity, we feel only the chill of disillusionment. Instead of picking up a bag of canned goods and toiletries for the soup kitchen or tossing our change in a Salvation Army pot, we shrink into our bulky coats and mutter humbug at every appeal to our common humanity.

But where does that path lead? Folks, it is what it is. This is Hudson County, not Hooterville or even Pottersville. Stop fantasizing that all this lawlessness is some sort of anomaly. Reform is the anomaly. Think of it - two reform mayors in the city’s history, and one passed away in office (btw, Stan, quick thought for the holidays: food taster).

Election fraud, influence peddling, bribes, accounting flim-flam, picking the taxpayer’s pocket at every turn – that is the norm. Embrace it – you’ll feel better.

Where was the story on Hoboken411 on the criminal referrals
regarding the 4th Ward Election on Perry Klaussen's
self-professed most complete news and business
site in Hoboken? - Graphic courtesy of GA
Maybe instead of screening out the political skullduggery – as has been so gamely tried by “Hoboken’s Most Complete News and Business Site” – maybe we can make it a part of the holidays. Why not? With more elections in November, you can count on fir trees, the first cheery flurry of snow, and federal indictments to arrive more or less simultaneously in election years. It may not be the tradition we wanted, but you can’t always pick these things. Sometimes they pick you. Look at your own family “traditions”. I bet you have a few real corkers in there. Bottom line, should the needs of the destituted be ignored because of the deeds of the prostituted?

Heck no! In fact, maybe they can even be the beneficiaries. That’s why I’m proposing a new holiday tradition.

The first annual holiday Perp Walk for the Cure!

It’s the perfect marriage of corruption and compassion. Talk about taking rotten eggs and making rotten eggnog!

How can you participate? Well if you’re in Hoboken politics for any length of time, that will probably take care of itself. But in the mean time you can sponsor the inevitable perp walk of one of the countless perps you see every day! Or, you can sign up sponsors and join the walk yourself as a Perp-for-a-Day!*

Perp Walk for the Cure 2010 Entry Form - Click on image to enlarge

* Participants must wear a coat over the head and walk with their hands behind their backs. Alternatively you can grip the upper arm of someone thus disposed. Just follow the lead of the many actual perps and their law enforcement escorts.

Picture it – hundreds if not thousands of your friends, neighbors, and future participants in the Witness Protection Program doing the Cool Perp up Washington Street as the Hoboken High School marching band plays, “My next girl should be nothin’ like my ex-girl” to honor Parade Marshall and street money geyser

Beth Mason! (Soon to be known only as Abruzese Mason during election season once the whole imaginary anti-semitism scandal plays out.) A crowned, sceptered, and enthroned Mason will ride on a float that depicts a water main break spewing cash and VBMs to a troupe of tumblers in prison jumpsuits who fall over each other to grab the bounty. It’s meant to suggest Hoboken’s idea for a 13th day of Christmas verse.

Now that’s festive! Or, to paraphrase another latter day holiday tradition, it’s an arrestivus for the rest of us! Just fill out the entry form above and you’re on your way to feeling a whole lot better about our perpetual political infamy. Just think of it as another part of the holiday season, like gluttony. ◦