"Infotainme" on Hoboken 411 and Zimmophobia- Reader Mail
“Who cares what Hoboken Revolt has to say? They are nothing more than a Zimmer front posing as a non-partisan entity.” -Ric Flair.
http://thehobokenjournal.blogspot.com/2009/08/reader-post-greying-o...
”Is it any wonder why Revolt is often tagged as a front for Dawn Zimmer? I had so much hope for this organization remaining a fair and non-partisan taxpayer advocacy group.” -Hobokengirl76.
http://www.hobokenrevolt.com/forum/topics/mason-rears-her-head?page...
”For all you Zimmer lovers who cannot tolerate their new messiah being held accountable - then you shouldn’t have voted for her to hold public office.” -H411.
http://hoboken411.com/archives/16295/comment-page-7#comment-167531
”I just reminded people that Zimmer is not the messiah figure her Zealots tried to sell us.” -RedHaven.
http://hoboken411.com/archives/25397/comment-page-3#comment-168652
“What is these 'Reds' anyway? Every time ya turn around, somebody callin' somebody else a Red. What is these 'Reds' anyway?” -Tom Joad, “The Grapes of Wrath.”
Zimmer worship, fanaticism, idolatry. It has to be the most reported, least verified menace-to-society since UFOs. We don’t yet know exactly what it is, but we do know it’s virtually everywhere as we can see in the random blog sampling above.
We should count ourselves lucky to live in a place so rife with vigilant Zimmophobes that Zimmer’s role in every problem that has plagued the city from time immemorial is readily identified. Consider: police reports of UFOs suggest that the phenomenon was most often seen, as in “I seen,” “We seen,” “Me and him seen,” etc. But the more insidious, UZO, Unexplained Zimmer Outrage, can apparently only be felt or sensed by its many witnesses/victims who are usually at a loss to clarify further.
In fact the posts cited above offer scant support for their Zimmophobic ravings. 411’s tirade is classically UZOid. To the untrained eye, nothing in the commentary preceding it suggests the blind devotion to Zimmer that put all those bees in 411’s addled bonnet.
More proof the devil doesn’t exist, you say? Easily dismissed as just more impotent rage from the house-bound web frau. Just old lady 411 threatening the TV with a wooden spoon again, right? Or is that bat-sh!t crazy broad coincidentally right this time, hmmm? Just plain delusional – or delusional like a fox? Let’s take a closer look.
Due to the shadowy, primarily nocturnal movements of the Zimmergeist we have little actual evidence to go on and must rely on the halting statements taken from her victims. But with careful marketing and a decent FX budget, a terrifying portrait should emerge.
Picture if you will… a she-beast on a fog-enshrouded heath. Yes, ok, we don’t have a heath, but we can get one if we need it for affect, right? I’m not going to sit here and watch this whole project go down the crapper because no one can get off his ass and find me a goddam heath, ok? Ever heard of location scouting? Hello!? Am I talking to myself, here? Ponderous, man, ponderous.
Where were we? She-beast, heath, something, something … Ok, let’s go with cloven hooves and, and flaming eyes. Yeah, gotta have those. She leads a suicidally devoted cult. Ok, story problem: most reports have her completely under the control of Mike Lenz. So in other words my maniacal death cult leader isn’t even in charge of her own death cult? Is that what you’re telling me? Perfect, just effing perfect. I need the guy that stole the Oxycontin to meet me in my trailer in 5 minutes.
…Ok… we can fix this. Back it up a little. Keep the enflamed eyes. What’s not to like about a foggy heath and a suicidally devoted death cult. Mom and apple pie. But let’s lose the hooves. Instead we have Mike Lenz, a millionaire many times over thanks to his $65,000 county job. He’s playing… he’s playing a…not a harmonica…penny whistle maybe…what would he play… Wait – downloading genius… A concertina! He’s playing this little concertina.
We see him leaning out of a window on Monroe Street with his concertina. The notes drift south, make a left at 1st and then –scofflawically- a right down Madison, seeping into a darkened Zimmer Manor, lit only by a single candle in the slowly rising and falling private elevator operated by a one-armed* zombie . And when Lenz hits certain notes the Zimmer eye-flame thing happens, and the death cult stirs, indicating they’re ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence. I like it, I like it. What’s happening with my heath? Word to the wise - the Oxycontin’s wearing off.
* ”We'll never know how many people lost their limbs so Dawn Zimmer could have a four story luxury condo with a private elevator.” MarkLower
http://www.nj.com/hobokennow/index.ssf/2009/08/beth_mason_explains_...
Another, far less cinematically viable view holds that Zimmer is no one’s diva (except, one hopes, Mr Grosbard). Accordingly it is stated that Zimmer is in many ways simply the default candidate of the too-many faceted reform movement. She has benefited greatly from the miscues of a politically tone-deaf opposition. It is further suggested that even a cursory survey of her ‘supporters’ reveals sharp differences on national, state, and even local issues. Their independent thinking and general fractiousness makes them extremely poor candidates to be drones for anyone. Supposedly.
And supposedly –supposedly- these supporters are just tired of the analytical laziness of the ‘critique’ of Zimmer –the scratch off tickets, Lenz, Soares, the constant warnings of a pending sell-out, eg, “Once the Zimmer Zealots get the message that Lenz has made a deal and Russo is now with Zimmer they will change their internet spin on how ‘evil’ the Russos are.” -RedHaven.
http://hoboken411.com/archives/20074/comment-page-1#comment-158363
Yes, Captain, the frozen strawberries. You proved it with geometric logic…
Where these criticisms may have once registered as legitimate beef at least in the eyes of the beholder, their repetition at every turn has downgraded them significantly to reformers who now regard them as the arsenal of an unreflective opposition that is more interested in holding the floor than honest dialog or making a point. They maintain that the pro-Zimmer vehemence that has been ‘observed’ is in fact anti-backsliding vehemence directed at apologists for certain unacceptable compromises. And they suggest that the apologists know it and are using claims of Zimmer fanaticism as a smokescreen and subject changer.
Finally, these Zimmophobia…phobic …phobes… inexplicably claim that people who are deliberative and un-demonstrative are not necessarily weak-minded or easily manipulated by concertina-playing others.
Critics of this terminally dull point of view, including this reporter in spades, point to its deplorably limited entertainment value and likely inability to sustain a 24 by 7 pissing contest across multiple websites and other media as the race heats up.
So back to juicy. The following film reveals often-before seen footage of the shocking testimony of some of Zimmer’s victims. It is not, repeat NOT, suitable for younger viewers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrzMhU_4m-g
Predictably, Zimmer apologists have pounced on one victim’s claim that he “got better” after being turned into a newt. Does anyone really ever ‘get better’ after such an ordeal? Have they no sense of decency at long last? Have they left no sense of decency?
To find a truly shameless UZO we must return to that hotbed of Zimmophobia, Hoboken 411.
According to polling data H411 subscribers were 8 times more likely than the population at large to be “trying to buy,” or believing they “already owned” Robot Insurance* and a whopping 67 times more likely than other urban dwellers to be “keeping a pitchfork ready just in case.” In fact its UZO sightings are so rampant that the site is known in law enforcement circles as “Area 411.”
* http://www.hulu.com/watch/2340/saturday-night-live-old-glory
But even this haven of paranoia and dietary fiber was not safe from Zimmer’s slithering sycophants. Suffering succotash!
Consider the tawdry tale of one Eric Kurta.
Fatally attracted to 411’s dining-and-distortion demographic, Mr. Kurta has long hung his muck-rake in the web matron’s garage amid the confiscated baseballs and Frisbees. Kurta is the soy burger, if you will, to the layers of mayonnaise, bacon bits, and velveeta that comprise political coverage on 411. Bon appetite.
For a while his carefully crafted persona as a principle-focused protector of the public good fooled many. But the hubris that brings down all uber-villains finally caught up to this Kaiser Sosay of open government. He badly misunderestimated his hand-picked readership’s genius for making lemons out of lemonade.
And so it was that when our covert subversive returned to the scene of his many past propaganda postings, each calculated to sound like ‘informing the public,’ this time he found angry villagers waiting for him with flaming torches and farm implements. They’d easily seen through his so-called ‘research’ into the funding behind the anti-Zimmer smear fliers and addressed instead his real objectives.
After a smattering of polite that-shot-didn’t-suck golf applause, the hot lights were turned on the supposed do-gooder.
“estevens and POG do not go after ‘reformer’ wrong-doings, only those of BnRs.” http://hoboken411.com/archives/25397/comment-page-2#comment-168438
”Eric simply does not believe that ‘reformers’ like Zimmer could do wrong even when there is evidence.”
http://hoboken411.com/archives/25397/comment-page-2#comment-168448
”Estevens = Zimmer Zealot”
http://www.nj.com/forums/hoboken/index.ssf?artid=84260
”You’re the same guy who is quite vocal about hating certain people and favoring others in Hoboken politics so you’ve made it known where the president of POG stands.”
http://hoboken411.com/archives/25397/comment-page-3#comment-168501
He seemed to know just a little too much about dodgy campaign finances, didn’t he? Yes, just a little too much. Why exactly? Would he mind taking off his shoes and letting us see his hooves -er– feet? Was he partial to concertina music. Isn’t it true that POG actually stands for People for Open Graves?
One final question. Mr. Kurta - Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Zimmunist Party?
The obviously guilty, cornered, “hate” driven Kurta withered under intense questioning from 411’s robot insurance-emboldened interrogators. He attempted a series of equally feeble subterfuges, all of which might be summed up as “Wha…?” But it was plain to wishful thinkers everywhere that he was at last caught in his own web of treachery and deceit.
Perhaps he won’t trouble us any longer. Perhaps. But we must never assume we are finally safe. Just as our beloved Elk is ever vigilant for the danger on his left, so we must remain on guard against the horrors of reform. As we come down to the end of the summer blockbuster that is our real life, the portents are all around us.
Item: Were those the husks of human-sized pods strewn along the Light Rail tracks?
Item: Upon seeing otherworldly pictures of Zimmer in 411, the Zimmer children were said to run from the room screaming, “That’s not mommy, that’s not mommy!”
Item: Isn't the Zimmobile -already the subject intense suspicion- secretly registered, not in Hoboken, but … in Grover’s Mill?
It has even been said that this reporter is a ‘Zimmer-lover’ and pulling your leg to some nefarious purpose. Nothing could be further from the truth. Although it does follow that I would have to pull your leg in order to eat it. Quid pro quo.
Love your suit…
- Infotainme (reader of this blog) ◦
